Trust Yourself. Never Give Up.

So..I am sitting on my couch cuddling with my dogs (pretty much all I ever do), and I was just zoning out and realized I was thinking about how much I miss home. If you don’t know me, home is Cincinnati, Ohio. I graduate in a little over a month, and instead of staying in Ohio, I am entering a new chapter of my life and moving to Florida. Why you ask? Well..I have many reasons. Some reasons I am probably not even aware of. But I do know I am moving because: my sister and her family live down there, I want warm weather, I want new, whether it be environment, friends, experiences, memories, anything and everything new, I want it. And maybe I am running from my past—Ohio brings so many memories from ex boyfriends, to ex friendships, to memories of my mom, to my family before it was broken, and well, happiness. I miss being happy and knowing who I am and what I want and knowing what the hell I am doing with my life. Yes, I have some AMAZING friends here in Ohio, mainly Columbus, and yes, my dad lives in Ohio and we are very close—but why can I not be happy? What is keeping me from having happiness? Is it Ohio? Is it my past? Is it my present? Or is it just me? Maybe I am the only thing hindering my own ability to be happy. I want answers and I want results. I guess moving will help me know, because it will either help or it won’t. I am scared. I am so scared that I am almost too afraid to admit it. I guess I am just so overwhelmed and consumed by mixed emotions and stress and anxiety and sadness, but excitement and thrill at the same time. 

Am I a bad person for trying to escape who I am/was? You look at me and see this middle aged girl, always appearing so happy. But my happiness is always less than temporary—and I want permanent. I want to love who I am, and I want someone else to love who I am. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to smile and laugh and truly mean it. Do I have too many wants? I am being selfish? The wants are never ending, and some don’t even pertain to me. I need them known. 

I want my sister’s marriage to work.

I want to have one last day with  my mom.

I want my dad to live forever.

I want all of my good friends to succeed to the potential that I know they can.

I want happiness for everyone in my life, including myself.

I want to feel confident.

I want to feel pretty.

I want to see my family more.

I want to get a job and I want to be great at it.

I want to go where ever my future wants me to go.

I want to let go of all my regrets.

I want to not want.

You don’t even want to imagine being in my mind. It is like a never ending battle between myself, and well, myself. Hopefully one day the battle will resolve. One can only hope.